Chapter 33 Shadows and Sanctuary
T.W. Talk of SA
Valentina’s POV
I keep vigil by Killian’s side, refusing to let him drift too far. Three days crawl by since the Ramseynightmare, each one blurring into the next. She’s behind bars now in Branford, but that isn’t closure. Not for me-and definitely not for Killian. I already know: her reckoning is coming, but first, my man needs me whole.
He hasn’t spoken since we came home. Barely eats. He sleeps, but even sleep isn’t peace. Sometimes, in the haze of dreams, he clings to me, desperate arms locked around my waist, his head heavy on my stomach. More than once, I hear him whisper, “Don’t leave me.” I answer every time, promising, swearing, but I can feel the doubt pulsing in him like an old wound that won’t heal.
Tonight, his breathing slows, his body curled tight to me. I comb my fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp the way he likes. A faint smile flickers on his lips. For a heartbeat, he relaxes- then, as if summoned by memory, his eyes open and he looks at me, searching for reassurance.
“Hi,” I whisper softly.
He closes his eyes and breathes it in. “Hi, angel.” His head settles back onto my belly, seeking
comfort.
“Are you hungry?” I try to coax him toward something-anything that feels normal.
He doesn’t answer. Instead, his hold on me tightens, his face buried against my skin. I keep stroking his hair, my nails grazing lightly. He lets out a low sound, his hips shifting. I try to tease a smile out of him. “Is someone hungry for something besides food?”
He freezes. I feel the change in him instantly-the tension, the shame. He bolts upright, wild-eyed, and staggers to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. A moment later, the sound of retching fills the silence. Panic knots my stomach. I scramble out of bed and rush to the door, trying the knob. It’s
locked.
“Killian!” I call, knocking gently, desperate to reach him through the thick wood.
“Go away, Vale,” comes his strangled reply.
“I’m not leaving you. Open the door, baby.”
“No!” His voice cracks, broken and raw.
I hear the shower come on, the water a futile attempt to drown his pain. Tears slip down my cheeks as
I knock harder, my pleas growing softer, sadder.
I barely hear the creak of our bedroom door. When I turn, Raptor stands there, silhouetted in the soft light.
“Hey,” he murmurs.
I try to steady my voice. “Hey.”
He sees right through me, doesn’t ask, just opens his arms. I collapse into him, the weight of it all
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crashing down. He holds me-strong, unyielding, a brother’s comfort in the middle of this storm.
“He’ll get through this,” Raptor whispers, his hand stroking my back.
“I don’t know how to help him. He won’t talk, he shuts me out,” I sob, my voice muffled by his chest.
“Let me try,” Raptor says gently. “Go make him something to eat. Let me talk to him, man to man.”
I nod, swiping at my eyes, clinging to that hope. I slip from his arms and head for the kitchen, willing myself to be strong-willing myself to be the anchor Killian needs, even if right now he can’t reach for
Killian’s POV
pound my fists against the slick shower wall, trying to scrub Ramsey’s ghost from my memory. Every time I close my eyes, I see her-her mouth, her body, her hands on me. I hear my own voice in my head, desperate and furious, begging her to stop. But I remember, too, how my body betrays me-how it responds, how it aches for release even as my mind screams no. And when I finally come, it’s shame that burns hottest of all. How the hell can I look Valentina in the eyes after this? How can she ever forgive me? I feel like a traitor, stained, unworthy of her touch, her love. Guilt gnaws at me until I want to crawl out of my own skin.
I wash and scrub until my skin is raw, until my hair feels like straw beneath my fingers. Stepping out, I catch my reflection in the mirror-same old Killian, same tattoos, same scars. I almost expect to see a monster, something changed or ruined. But my eyes are haunted, rimmed red, hollowed out with shame. Valentina’s name is inked on my chest; I don’t deserve to wear it.
Fresh tears threaten as I pull a towel tight around my waist. With a deep breath, I crack open the bathroom door, half-expecting the room to be empty, to find she’s left me after all. My stomach drops when I don’t see her-but Raptor is there, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching me.
I freeze, awkward and exposed. “Did… did she leave?”
Raptor shakes his head. “Relax. She’s in the kitchen, making you something to eat.”
Relief washes through me, followed quickly by embarrassment-I’m standing here butt naked, towel slipping. I start toward the closet, but Raptor is suddenly in front of me, pushing me back against the wall.
“What the fuck, man?” I growl, bristling.
He doesn’t flinch. “I know what’s eating you. You think you betrayed Valentina. Because you got hard, because you came, even though you didn’t want it. You think you let her down. But you’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it.”
Before I can react, he grabs my dick, rough and unflinching, and starts stroking. Instinct kicks in-I try to shove him off, but he’s got a grip like iron, and I’m terrified he’ll break me if I fight too hard. To my horror, I feel myself getting hard, my body lighting up despite the confusion and anger and revulsion.
“Raptor, fuck, stop! I’m not fucking gay!” I snap, straining to get free.
He snorts. “Neither am I, idiot. I’m proving a point-doesn’t matter who’s touching you. When you’re stimulated, your body reacts. That’s just how we’re built.” He lets go, and we both look down at my
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hard-on. “See? No shame. I’ve been there. When I was a kid, my uncle did shit to me for years. I hated it. But my body still responded. Took a long time, and a lot of therapy, to learn that didn’t make me guilty. It just made me human. You didn’t choose what happened, Killian. You didn’t want her. You didn’t betray Valentina-she betrayed you. You were a victim. And you survived.”
I stare at him, speechless. Suddenly, I pull him into a rough hug, slapping his back. He squeezes me
hard.
“Thank you, brother,” I choke out.
He shoves me away with a grin. “Alright, get your naked ass dressed before you start giving me ideas.”
I laugh-actually laugh-for the first time in days, and grab a pair of shorts, tugging them on.
“I’m sorry, Raptor. For what happened to you.”
He shrugs, his eyes soft. “And I’m sorry for you, Killian. We look out for each other. Always.”
“Yeah,” I say, quieter. “Always.”
We head out to the kitchen, a little more whole than before. Valentina stands at the stove, hair pulled back, ladling out bowls of chicken and dumplings. The smell is comforting, homey, and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve felt safe.
“Hey, baby,” I murmur, sliding my arms around her from behind, pressing a kiss to her neck.
She shivers and tilts her head, giving me more access, sighing as I nuzzle the spot she likes. I feel myself stir against her, and for a second, it’s good, it’s normal. But then I remember, and I pull away, the old shame creeping back.
She catches the movement, her eyes searching mine. “Sorry, baby. I… I want to get tested before we do anything again.”
She smiles gently. “You already have. I left the results on your dresser. You’re clean.”
Relief and confusion collide inside me. “Oh. I didn’t see them. That’s… good.”
She turns to face me, concern etched in her eyes. “What’s wrong, Killian?”
I swallow, throat tight. “I just… I feel like shit, Valentina. I want you to know-she didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t want her. I didn’t want any of it.”
Her voice is small, but steady. “What did she do to you?”
I hesitate. “Do you really want to know?”
She nods, determined. “I need to know, and I think you need to say it.”
So I tell her-about the call, the lie about the file, the bar, the drugged beer, waking up tied to the bed. My voice breaks as I describe Ramseyclimbing on top of me, gagging me, using my body for her pleasure, making me come again and again while I screamed inside. Valentina pulls me into her arms, holding me as I sob, my shame spilling out at last.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I whisper. “Please forgive me.”
She cups my face, meeting my eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive. You’re a victim, Killian. I love you. We’re going to get through this together.”
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Her kiss is soft, fierce, a promise.
She pushes me gently into a chair and sets a steaming bowl in front of me. I eat, and with every bite, the guilt loses its grip. I’m not broken. I’m loved. And I’ll find my way back.
<Ride the Wildfire
