Concocting A Scheme
Concocting A Scheme
Presley stared at Cruz while he paced the room frantically.
“It’s insane.”
The first words he’d spoken since she’d explained why she asked for tinned fish were not the most comforting of words, but she understood why he was, quite frankly, panicking.
“So crazy it might work?” she asked with hope.
“No. I mean you are ready to rival Ramona for crazy chick of the year. And the award goes to,” he waved at her as if presenting a trophy.
“Nice. There is no need to be rude.”
“You want to prank a mafia don!” he snapped at her. “I said to use your creative mind to come up with a plan to get us out of this s**t Odin dragged us into and instead you want to prank him?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“With tinned fish?”
“Among other things.”
“Such as?”
“My mind is running now,” she bounced in the bed happily. “First I’ll make the fishy perfume so when I ask him
to take me to dinner tomorrow night, I smell like my coochie has rotted.”
“Yeah, we’ve been over this one,” he shook his head. “I don’t want you going to dinner with him.”
“How else is he going to smell my halitosis?”
“What?”
“I need garlic. Lots of it.”
“He’s Italian, it’ll make him love you.”
“Nobody will like what I plan to do. I might even,” she was vibrating now with the possibilities, “get a couple really thin pieces of garlic cloves and wedge them between my molars. I have good space back in my molars because I floss daily. I bet I could get a couple pieces.”
Cruz cut her off, “no! You are not getting close enough to a mafia don for him to smell your breath.”
“Yes, I am. I need him to reject me. I’m going to get naked with him.” She made wide eyes, “I need body paint.”
“I’m sorry what?” Cruz appeared to be stuck on the naked part but then his eyes closed, and he groaned at her body paint comment. “For what purpose do you need body paint?”
“I want to make my n*****s look black. Like rotten black. I wonder if there is a store anywhere in all of Nice which specializes in special effects makeup or Halloween makeup.”
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“I don’t want him to see your n*****s, rotten or otherwise.”
“It must happen Cruz, for the greater good. I need to save my parents and Sloane and Halima’s brother because he threatened to throw him in prison for life if I didn’t get on board.”
“So, you intend to meet him for dinner, with bad breath, fishy perfume and blackened n*****s?”
“Yes.”
“I love you, honey,” he leaned over her, grabbed her by the biceps, and gave her a little shake, “but right now, you’re in shock from the events of the day. You’re out of your mind.”
“I also want to see if Algernon’s friend will lend me his boat.”
“The yacht Algernon said we could use to dispose of Odin’s body?” Cruz was now talking to her in hushed tones as if worried his voice was going to trigger some other strange and absurd idea. “For what purpose?”
“For the purpose of seducing Liborio.”
“You want to take Liborio out on a boat and seduce him?”
“Yes. A very sexy sunset cruise.”
“Like fuck.”
“You don’t think I can pull it off?”
“Baby, I know you can pull it off. You could seduce the pope if you put your mind to it. In fact, I think you should do it. Go for the pope because he’s more likely to give up his vow of chastity than you are going to be able to survive trying to f**k over an Italian mafia don,” the last three words of his speech were raised as he shook her with more verve than he’d been. “Presley, do you hear yourself? You want to take on a man who based on what I heard from his own men today, murdered his last two lovers! Abso–f*****g–lutely not!”
“He did kill them. I asked. One was stealing from him. The other cheated.”
“How about,” he was grasping at straws, “we introduce him to Ramona, and she has his babies.”
“Nah, he wants someone who isn’t crazy, is strong, and resilient like me. I’m sure there are many other women in the world but I’m in his line of fire right now thanks to my stupid brother, so we need to dissuade him. Ramona also wouldn’t be able to go with it.”
“Sloane,” he pointed at her. “I bet she’d take one for the team.”
She looked away.
“Why can’t Sloane do it?” he frowned at her.
“You didn’t know?”
“Know what?”
“When we were in high school, she had an ectopic pregnancy and it ruptured and she lost an ovary. I mean she can still get pregnant with one ovary, but the chances are smaller.”
“Halima would do it for you.”
“Halima’s parents would disown her and as much as she talks the talk about not giving a s**t about what they want, she cares very much about what they think. She would never go against their wishes. They would
rather she let them all die.”
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Anderson is going to be bummed.”
She shrugged, “I’m sure her parents would like Anderson but don’t tell him I said that. He’s rich. They don’t care much about pedigree or skin color, but they give a huge flying f**k about income. If he can show his bank balance has lots of zeroes, they’ll be asking him to move in with the entire family”
“We’re digressing.”
“Well before you suggest my mother or Marsh, no and no.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“Either way, he needs to simply decide I’m not it without wanting me dead. I need to have a weird physical deformity and quirks he won’t be able to look past, like one oversized black n****e which protrudes through: my bathing suit, halitosis, and a strong fishy odor. He’s not going to want me to have his babies if they need to pass through a crotch smelling like a fish plant.”
“You’re forgetting you said he pulled your medical. He also has your DNA which says you have no overt
medical conditions.”
“I bet if I got naked with him and oatmeal fell out of my panties, he’d be revolted.”
“I would be revolted, and I know you. You can’t stuff oatmeal in your panties.”
“Actually,” she folded her arms, “oatmeal has a lot of cleansing properties. Women use it on their skin all the time to clear up acne and infections on their skin so it’s far less likely for me to get an infection if I shove oatmeal in my drawers than say putting fish oil in them.” She scowled, “I mean I could simply try to get a yeast infection but the thought of actually being itchy as hell is not appetizing. I’d do it though if it meant I could get out of this shit.”
“He isn’t going to get close enough to see inside your drawers!” Cruz yelled in frustration. “Presley, honey, we can’t let him get close enough to you he can see you naked.”
“Why not? None of my plan will work if he doesn’t see me naked. Oh,” she stared at him, “I need to learn how to kiss badly. I’m a great kisser but I need to learn how to be bad. I wonder what makes a woman a bad kisser. I’d google it but I’m worried he’s watching my internet searches. I could on Algernon or Paris’s phones,
I’m sure.”
“Babe, you can’t be taking your clothes off for him.”
“Babe,” she responded equally condescendingly, “he’s going to take my clothes off one way or another. I may as well make it happen the way I want instead of the way he wants.”
“Not if you’re going to use a petri dish.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” She snickered, “unless I get onto the medical table and push out an egg from my v****a, like a chicken egg. Now that would be funny. Can you imagine? They get me on the table and are ready to harvest eggs and I just push one out of my v****a?”
Cruz walked over to the closed curtains and opened them.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for the guy who has the scope. Going to ask him to shoot me because this is madness.”
“Oh, don’t be such a party pooper. I’m going to have dinner with Liborio. We’re going to get to know each
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other. We’re going to make out a bit. He’s going to grope me and get a piece of my new flesh on filsh she paused and whispered, “I really need to find a make–up store.”
“Presley.” Cruz groaned.
“And then I’m going to sit on his lap and leave a bit of oatmeal cream there.”
Cruz took a deep breath. “None of this is real. This is all some elaborate hoax you and your family are doing to get me back because I followed you on vacation, right? Badger the bully the way he did you when you were a kid?”
“Um, no.” she shook her head. “Odin is a snake. He sold me to a mafia don who wants to use my womb and eggs and steal my babies from me and make me cry. He threatened my parents. I need him to leave me alone, but he needs to make the decision.”
“What if he simply decides you’re too much work and kills everyone?”
“Party in heaven?” At the loud growl of rage coming from Cruz’s chest she scurried backwards on the bed and tugged the blankets to her chin. “He’s not going to kill me. You mentioned he must have an escape clause. We need a copy of the agreement but my guess, he has the right to walk away and recoup his money from Odin in any other way he sees fit. If Odin needs to get a womb transplant and bear the fruit of Liborio’s loins, he can figure it out.”
“I think I might cry,” Cruz said suddenly.
“If you think it’ll help, go for it.” A sudden thought occurred to her, “holy s**t, Algernon is a pilot!”
“So?” Cruz looked like he was dreading
asking
“Liborio said he was going to fly me to Sicily?
What if Algernon was the pilot and he creates some kind of
the plane with a parachute and then Liborio thinks I’m dead.”
catastrophic situation and I need to jump out
“Stick with the fish and oatmeal,” Cruz said as he marched to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking a shower.”
“Can 1 join you?”
“No.” He turned and looked at her, “I’m glad I put this back on.” He slammed the door so hard the patio windows rattled.
Presley leaned back against the pillows and took a breath before calling out, “take a shower but when you come out, we’re going to talk about phase two of the plan.”
The crash in the bathroom almost made her get up to see what he punched. Almost.
M
Tatienne Richard
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